Surviving Friendly Fire

At the beginning of our journey together we talked about how important it is to have supporters. These are the people who are in your cheering section, the people who are running with you and encouraging you, and your coaches. These people love you, they believe in you, and they want you to succeed. In some cases they're even willing to help you succeed!

But what about when the people you expected to support you are actually the people who are the least supportive? What about when your sister, best friend, parent, or spouse doesn't believe in you? What about those times when your own family and trusted friends come against you for what you're trying to do?

I love my family, and I love my husband's family. However, there are a few family members - and their friends - who seem to think that I'm just full of it. No matter what I'm excited about, what's going well for me, or how happy I am to see them, these people always have something negative to say to me.

"Who in their right mind would want to run a marathon? 26 miles? No, thank you! I'll leave that to the crazy people."

"I can't believe you're *still* on that diet thing. Just have some cake!"

"Don't you ever wear normal clothes? You're making the rest of us look bad!"

"Six kids? Honey, wait until you have your first one, then you'll change your mind."

"Why are you always working? It's like you don't have any time since you started that business. Microsoft is hiring, y'know, you should apply there."

They see every one of my victories as something that I've done specifically to make them feel badly about themselves or to prove that I'm better than them. In their minds they have created a world where my sole purpose in life is to hurt them or look down on them, despite the fact that the decisions I make actually have nothing at all to do with them.

It's worth noting that these people are unhealthy, struggling financially, and generally very unhappy with their own lives. It's worth noting this because people who are not succeeding will always find a reason to hate the people who are - even if those people are their own family and friends.

It's likely that these people don't even realize how cruel they are being. They don't understand that their constant put-downs about my decisions make it harder for me to want to be around them because my heart is hurt that they would think of me that way and that they would willingly be so venomous toward me. They may not even know that they're saying anything negative, because negativity is a habit for them. Still, it creates a situation where every interaction with them puts me on an emotional battleground. Talking with them makes me feel isolated, unloved, and the depression it pushes me toward sometimes takes days of effort to recover from.

These are family members! These are people who are supposed to want me to succeed and who are supposed to be happy for my victories. These people are supposed to be my supporters. But they aren't. In fact, most of the time they run in direct opposition to my goals. Consciously or unconsciously, they work to sabotage me. When I do get invited to a family event, it tends to be very food-based and there's usually no food that is in line with my health goals. If I don't eat they get offended. If I leave early because standing around listening to the negativity with nothing but chocolate cake to eat is just too much for me, they see it as me bailing early because I think I'm better than them. I know, because they've told me as much.

It's unfortunately common for family and close friends to be the last ones to jump on your bandwagon or join your cheering section. What do you do when the people who should be supporting you are against you instead?

1. Remind yourself of why you're making the choices that you're making. What are your goals? What are you working toward? When you're under friendly fire it's important to remember why you're fighting in the first place.

2. Separate yourself. Love people from a distance. Contrary to popular opinion, trying to address the issue with these people will frequently result only in more hurt feelings. Once I saw the behavioral trend in these family members, I started declining more invitations to join them for events. I love them dearly, but it's not emotionally and mentally safe for me to be around these people on a regular basis or for an extended amount of time. As much as it makes me sad to have come to this place, I have to separate myself from the people and situations that would sabotage me as often as possible.

3. Shield yourself. When I do go to a family function, I usually bring food that is in line with my health goals, as well as something to distract myself with. I'll bring a book, or some of my crocheting, so that if everyone gets too overwhelming for me I can find a few minutes in a quiet corner to re-orient myself.

4. Create new association for yourself. This one is the most important one. It takes seven yes's to counteract the subconscious effects of one no. This means it also takes seven statements of encouragement and belief to counteract one family member making one negative statement about your goals one time. If you're dealing with a lot of negative from friends and family, it's that much more important to find supporters outside of your friends and family. Surround yourself with people who have the same goals you do, who will support and encourage you in those goals, and who will provide the cheering section you need. Having these people in your life will help you detox from the people who should be supporting you and are doing the opposite.

This week, work to build and strengthen your support network so that you can survive any friendly fire in your life.