Fear

We've talked about fear before and about how important it is to face your fears head-on. Today, let's talk practical application. What should your thought process look like when you're afraid? I recently had to stop and specifically pull this process out of my tool belt when I found myself driving just in front of (and then next to) an ex I don't want to see again - and discovered how badly affected I was by the realization that he may frequent the same places that I do. When I used this process for myself I remembered that I hadn't passed it on to you yet, so here it is. I promise, it's a very helpful process and it becomes especially useful when facing the kind of fear that makes you feel paralyzed.

(Source material: The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale, and Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie)

When you are afraid :

1. Admit your fear.

Lying to yourself doesn't help anyone, especially not you. What are you really afraid of? In my case I had to admit that my fear wasn't of running into my ex, but more of what his reaction to seeing me would be.

2. Decide that you don't want to be afraid.

This is an important step. It's not lying to yourself and saying "I'm not afraid" but instead it is saying "I'm afraid, but I don't want to be stuck in this fear emotion forever."

3. Accept that it's possible to not be afraid.

Fear serves a healthy purpose in our lives. It alerts us to danger, even if that danger isn't really a problem. However fear can also become bondage if you let it get a hold on you too strongly and for too long. The Bible says pretty clearly that we're not meant to be afraid. ("For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." "Do not be afraid, but be strong and courageous." "Do not be afraid, I am with you.") In order to properly deal with your fear, you have to accept that it's possible to not be afraid.

4. Assess the rationality of your fear.

We're all afraid of stupid things sometimes. Although it may feel silly at first, we need to make sure we remind ourselves that some things are not worth being afraid of. To do this, we may need to ask ourselves a few questions.

• What's the worst that can really happen if what I'm afraid of happens?
  
  This question reminds us to think rationally and reasonably instead of letting things get out of hand in our minds. In my situation, the worst that could happen was still pretty mild. Despite whatever unfortunate situation my ex and I parted in, he's a fully grown man and he's not stupid enough to try to hurt me. Realistic worst case: He might yell, or say something to hurt my feelings, or spread a rumor about me (to a bunch of people I don't even talk to, since they're all his friends anyway).
• Can I realistically handle it (physically, emotionally, etc) if the worst happens?
  
  Again, this helps us remember not to let things get out of hand. You're an adult. You know (or ought to know by now) what you can handle without becoming physically harmed or turning into an emotional basket case. Don't let your emotional brain convince you otherwise in the moment! In my case the answer was yes. If I run into my ex, and he yells and says something to hurt my feelings and then goes to talk to all his friends about what an awful person he thinks I am...meh. My feelings may be bruised. My adrenaline will probably get going (it always does when someone starts yelling). I may even need to breathe deeply and count to ten before I try to drive. But all in all, I'll be fine.
  
• Is there anything I can reasonably do to avoid or change the thing I'm afraid of?
  
  Reasonable is the key word here. I know it's hard, but when you're dealing with that paralyzing, ice in your veins kind of fear, it's crucial that you bring your logical brain to the playground. Seattle is a big place, and the surrounding areas are big places too. Despite this, people who live in the same general area have a tendency to go to the same general places in that general area (like, for example, the mall). This means that in my case there is no reasonable way for me to avoid running into my ex because it would mean going to entirely different general areas to do anything that I want to do for my life! Nor is it reasonable for me to try to change the situation so I don't have to run into my ex, because that would mean moving to a different general area JUST to get out of having to deal with a potentially icky-feeling situation that isn't actually threatening to me at all.
  
• How likely is it that the worst will happen?
  
  Yes, getting into a car creates the potential that you may hit someone or something, or that someone else may hit you. If this happens you, or someone else, or both, or even a lot of people, could potentially die. HOWEVER, that's statistically improbable and can easily be avoided with attentiveness and calm, responsible decision making.
• Knowing the answers to these questions, is this fear something I should be spending energy on thinking about?
  
  Feeling any emotion strongly takes a lot of mental and emotional energy away from you. Positive emotions also replenish your mental energy so that you end up even more "powered up" because you've experienced them. Negative emotions are just a drain. You don't get anything back from a negative emotion. That doesn't mean we don't feel them, or that we should be suppressing them. It just means that we need to not *dwell* (or focus) on them. Don't let negative emotions waste your time! Some of them are necessary (like grief, which will not go away until you've really worked through feeling it), but some of them are just power drains. Your mental energy is too precious to waste on staying afraid of something that's not worth being afraid of. 

5. Now you know what you're afraid of, that you don't want to be afraid, and that it's possible to not be afraid. You probably also know that being afraid of this thing is basically a huge waste of your time because a) it's not really a big deal, or b) there's nothing you can do about it. Now what?

Pray.

Step 5 is to let go of your fear. This can only happen through prayer. Approach God honestly, in whatever words or tones come naturally to you at the moment. You don't have to stand on ceremony, because when you pray God understands you no matter what. He's your pal, and he likes you just the way you are. My prayer was along the lines of "Okay, so this is especially dumb and I get that. But I'm pretty upset by this because of, well, stuff. And I need your help to..y'know...fix that. Because it's especially dumb to be so upset by this because of...stuff. But I'm upset anyway, because of stuff. And I'm scared. And that's not cool. I know there's psychological reasons and all, but it just feels extra short-bus dumb. Aw shoot, that's offensive to some people isn't it? You know what I'm saying. So, ... help. And thanks."

Again, this may feel silly. But it helps.

6. The final step is to get your mind off of your fear. You've established that it's a waste of your time, so move on to something that's not a waste. Read, or write something, maybe sing a song, or run an errand. Just do something else. Anything at all will do so long as you don't keep calling your fear to mind while you're doing it. I bought yarn. Pondering what colors to put into my next project took my mind right off of being so afraid and allowed me to allow God to take care of it for me. When I mentally "checked in" on whether I was still afraid of this potential situation, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all of my fear and anxiety on the issue is gone. Whether it ever happens or not, it's not really a big deal.

So there you have it. Handling fear in six simple steps, aggregated from the information in two awesome books. Where can you use this process in your life?